Monday, December 30, 2013

In Valor There Is Hope

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 6, Verses 12 & 13

"Let me describe for you a worthless and a wicked man:
first, he is a constant liar; 
he signals his true intentions to his friends with his eyes and feet and fingers."

---

CHIPPED WISDOM:

Somewhere around 2003, I stopped going to police funerals.  I think, from 1999-2003, I had attended maybe 6 or 7 of them, from start-to-finish.  And that's no small feat, seeing as these are all day affairs-- especially the Catholic ones.  They go on forever.  When you ask 10,000 cops to come and accept Communion, you're pretty much guaranteed to be there, sitting on your bony ass in that pew for around four hours.  Getting from the church to the graveyard, in a procession of thousands of police cars, typically takes two hours just by itself, even if the cemetery is only a few miles away.  

Now, I didn't stop cold-turkey, mind you.  I tapered by going to a service or two only, and not staying for the cortege and burial.  Then I hit a couple viewings, and I went to a few of those maybe in 2005 and 2006.  This was back when I was an EMT, and I would go in my uniform, a black strip of elastic covering the center of my meaningless star-of-life badge.  

It's a weird part of my life to reflect on, looking back at it.  I would take off entire days from college classes to go down to Philadelphia, or Baltimore or... wherever to stand with thousands of cops from Maine to Texas to California, all lined up like tin soldiers, ostensibly to "mourn" somebody they never knew.  Of course, all cops "know" each other, or they think they do.  I started going to police funerals as research for a book I was writing during college.  But, once the book was researched, written, published, and released, I kept going.  Kept hearing the bagpipes and the crying widows and mothers, kept sitting up straight and standing up straight and watched pictures of handsome young men holding their families on a big screen TV.  Standing out in the rain.  Standing out in the sun.  

I guess you might say I got caught up in the poetry of the whole thing.  The ceremony.  The tradition.  It's alluring.  Police funerals always draw the media who come out and plant themselves in front of the church door to snap that all-important picture of the beautiful young widow clutching feverishly onto her freshly fatherless children.  Bonus points if one of the kids is a boy and he's wearing his daddy's hat.  The newspaper photographers stick themselves up on highway overpasses to get the perfect shot of a thousand patrol cars lined up with their light-bars ablaze.

With the exception for the weather and the color of the home-team uniforms, one funeral might just as well be interchangeable with any other.  The deceased officer and his/her family is stripped of any personality and individuality.  All the eulogies are the same.

"A cop's cop."

"A hero."  

"The bravest.  The finest."

"Let us remember him/her not for how s/he died, but how s/he lived."

They all quote "In valor there is hope."  Tacitus said that.  He was a historian of the Roman Empire, who, I don't think, knew any cops.  

After going to my fair share of these funerals, I don't know if there is hope in valor, or in anything else.  I started getting a bad taste in my mouth.  I started wondering about where everyone went afterwards.  Did they go out drinking?  Did they cavort in their hotel rooms?  Where five or ten or twenty thousand uniformed men and women surrounded the widow and her family for a couple hours, where was everybody a month later when she is on the floor of her bedroom sobbing and pounding the floor with her raw and furious fists?  Is the Patrolman's Benevolent Association there for her then?  Are cops from Canada there when she has to send her kids to school in the morning?  

Everybody goes away.

I started to wonder about these men and women whose burials I bore witness.  Who were they?  Who were they really?  You hear about their dozens of commendations and their awards and their stories, but, when a police officer gets killed, you never read about their civilian complaints.  You never read about their disciplinary record.  Can it be that only the bravest and the finest get felled in the line of duty?  That somehow the scumbags and bastards and maybe the just kind of average officers get found out and excommunicated or at least quietly put out to pasture?  Maybe this is just my good old fashioned paranoia, but is there some kind of unspoken rule in the media that whenever a police officer gets killed, his or her disciplinary record is sealed, shielded from the press, obscured or discarded because, really, who would benefit from tarnish on an already bloodied badge?  

There once was a New Orleans cop named Antoinette Frank.  She wore a uniform and drove a black-and-white and made traffic stops and arrests, just like any other cop's cop.  One night in 1995, she participated in a robbery of a Vietnamese restaurant, where she worked part-time as a security guard.  She and her partner-in-crime Rogers Lacaze shot and killed some of the restaurant staff (all family), and she also killed former partner, Officer Ronald Williams.  

When I read about Antoinette Frank, I couldn't help thinking-- if she had been killed the night before the Vietnamese restaurant heist and murders, thousands of police officers from all over the country would have descended upon New Orleans and mourned her as if she was their brother or their sister.  If it had been a different time and in a different geographic area, I might have been there, too.         

Monday, December 23, 2013

Sugadaddy

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 23, Verses 1, 2, & 3

"When dining with a rich man, be on your guard and don't stuff yourself,
though it all tastes so good; for he is trying to bribe you,
and no good is going to come of his invitation."

---

CHIPPED WISDOM:

I have decided that, if my twins are going to have progress in a somewhat linear trajectory towards the American Dream (viz. have teen orthodontia/angst, first cars with side curtain airbags, middle school wardrobes that don't entirely come from thrift shops, and at least a mediocre college experience) I am going to have to do the following, in no necessary chronological order:

* sell my organs/throat/antique typewriter collection/semen/soul

* film myself having sex with a prominent politician (preferably a female, but I can't afford to be picky) in the lavatory of a highway rest-stop and option it to Gawker

* kill myself

* take out approximately eight mortgages on my home

* turn my Volvo wagon into a mobile, high-end brothel crammed with Swedish prostitutes

* get a higher-paying job

* renounce my Israeli citizenship (that won't help me financially, but I've always wanted to renounce something, and I'm not currently using my Israeli citizenship for anything other than impressing people and, really, nobody's impressed, so what's the point?)

* learn enough banjo chords to busk properly

* pray to God that the doctor who gives me my first rectal exam finds gold hiding behind my pancreas and is honest enough not to just put it in his pocket while I'm not looking because, believe me, I won't be looking

* try following my dreams as opposed to giving up on them, and, failing that, try giving up on them again

* skin myself and sell it to an anti-Semitic lamp-shade maker

(Whoa.  Too soon?)  

* invade a foreign country, you know-- not just me, with some of my friends

* steal the Pink Panther diamond, preferably by detonating a bermb

* kick unprecedented ASS at "Dancing with the Stars" with G. Gordon Liddy as my tango partner

* get a sugar daddy

And that, I think, is really my best option.  And it doesn't have to be a sex thing (but, like I said, I'm open to it all, you lucky, freaky world, you) it can be like in days of yore when talented young musicians in perriwig ponytails and stocking tights and broached jackets were paid large quantities of gold coins to compose airs and marches and operas and masses and fugues.  And they named their pieces "Herr Schmatzfieldzenkrakendorf's March" or "Die Danse Muzik auf zer Beegkunt Judenstompfer." 

And everything was going fine.

Because they had these people, patrons, they were called (Patronzdeinzuuntsfumpf, unt zer mater-tongue) and the patrons looked after these tender, fragile young talents and saw to it that they had what they needed to basically work like slaves on their compositions.  And that's kind of what I want.  Not that I'm Hayden or Mozart or even some other penisbreath that nobody remembers.  Like Diertrich Buxtehude-- anyone erudite enough to remember him?

If you're reading this, chances are, no.  

Well, apparently, Bach once walked 250 miles (from Arnstadt to Lubeck) to hear Buxtehude play. I hear there was some hot piece of ass in Lubeck at the time, too.  And I also hear that Bach took a fucking cab back to Arnstadt, and that he made Buxtehude pay for it.  But that's hearsay.  

If I had a sugar daddy-- sorry-- patron, I'm not exactly sure I know what he'd pay me to do.  

Blog, I guess.  

That would have to be a really seriously fucked up patron.  Someone with a dent in his skull and a song in his heart, no doubt.  Someone with a few too many drinks and few too few chromosomes.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure these people exist, but I'm not sure that they have enough money to finance my family's lavish lifestyle.  And that's kind of the lynch-pin right there, if you think of it.  

Well.  I hope Liddy's practicing his fucking dance steps.  I've got the rose clenched in between my teeth and I probably should have de-thorned it first.  But maybe it's better with the thorns.  Life's always better with the thorns.  

I hear Buxtehude said that, too.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

In Between

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 20, Verse 29

"The glory of young men is in their strength; of old men, their experience."

---

CHIPPED WISDOM:

I'm thirty-three.  

I suppose it's a nice age-- it's fine.  It's a fine age to be.  I'm thirty-three.  If I was Irish, I'd say, "Oi'm tortie-tree," and every woman within 400 yards would simultaneously orgasm.  

But I'm not Irish, and oi'm not tortie-tree.  I'm just thirty-three.  And that's okay.

As ages go, it has its advantages.  There's nothing, really, that I can't do, except collect Social Security and get my AARP card.  Thirty-three-year-olds can drive U-Hauls and rent-a-wrecks.  And that's cool, because I like driving things.  Once, I rented a Chevy cargo van and drove it to Chadds Ford to transport an antique cabinet.  I was in heaven.  I loved driving that fucking stupid thing.  I don't know why.  Maybe I felt... powerful?  Free?  Like a deliveryman-- unencumbered by complexities and anxieties and depression and philosophical and ethical quandaries.  And WOW did I just sound like an elitist asshole.

A thirty-three-year-old elitist asshole.  Nice to meet you.

When I was in my twenties and I said dumbfuck things like that, people just blew it off and let it go because, hey, he's in his twenties, he doesn't know anything.  "YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT FROM NOTHING!" was my father's choice way of putting it.  

And, of course, he was right.  He'd be the first to tell you that.  I'd be the second, because I'm thirty-three.

(Hi.)

Now, when I say dumbfuck things like that, funny things happen.  People get offended.  They get hurt, or annoyed or angry.  I guess they think I should know better.  You know, because I'm-- well, you know.

Apparently, when you're thirty-three, your trousers fit all funny, too.  They don't fit the same, and that's funny.  Your belts-- you know, the ones that you used to have to take a Phillips-head screwdriver to to make an auxiliary hole, well, you don't need to make an extra hole in those belts anymore.  You don't need to deface and defile your belts, because now they fit fine with the pre-existing holes, because you're not thirty-two anymore, and things are different now, and if you say some dumbfuck thing someone's going to cry or turn their back on you or something like that and you don't know what you did because you used to be able to get away with those dumbfuck things but the belt is okay now and you're hurtling down Route 1 in that Chevy van and the speedometer goes up to 100 but nobody does that in a Chevy van but God you really want to see if it can do it do it do it DO IT.

Do it.  

I have gray hairs.  I've always wanted them, and now that they're here, well, I don't know.  I've got wrinkles and creases and gray hairs and the occasional zit to remind me that I'm only thirty-three and not quite old enough to be taken seriously and not quite young enough to be cavalierly disregarded.  It's limbo.  It's purgatory.  It's the 7 1/2 floor.  It's shit like SHIT.

I have a big-boy job, for the first time in my life.  I wear ties, but they have carrots and pheasants and clocks on them.  I'm not really a big boy.  I'm a phony.  A BIG FAT PHONY.  I'm trying to look like Slim.  

But I'm only thirty-three.  I'm not here, I'm not there.  I'm... somewhere in between, I guess.  I'm a husband and a father and a semi-responsible dog owner.  I have a thirteen-year-old Volvo station wagon and homeowners insurance, because I'm a homeowner, but I wander around wondering when everybody's going to wake up and realize that I'm full of shit.  

Maybe, of course, they already know.  Maybe they're just being nice.  

God, you're nice.  

Monday, December 16, 2013

You've Been a Bad Boy, So I'm Gonna Stuff Coal Down Your Throat & Shit Down Your Chimney 'Cuz it's Time For.... DEAR CHIP!!!!!!

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 19, Verse 20


"Get all the advice you can and be wise the rest of your life."

---

CHIPPED WISDOM:

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy straight up your mom's yea, I had another blog.  And, every now and then, I'd take a Dear Abby column and do my own little spin upon it.  The letters to Dear Abby were the legit ones that she printed in in her advice column.  And the replies were, well, the replies were mine all mine.

So, since it's Monday night at 9:05 and my corduroys are covered in confectioner's sugar that my wife partially licked off (it's pretty sexy being me) I thought I'd resurrect my Dear Abby parodies.  Why?  Because, as near as I can tell, advice is like that easy girl at the prom: you want to stay away, but you're dying to have her lick your cords.  So, with that enticing thought in mind, sit back, unbuckle your trou, and find out why I'm full of CHIP!

DEAR CHIP: 

Christmas is coming, and I dread it. I have only my brother, his wife and their kids. I'm on Social Security disability and I barely make it each month. They buy me gifts, but I feel embarrassed to accept them because I can't buy anything for them. It makes me feel small.

Even though I have nothing to offer my nieces, my brother and sister-in-law persuade me to go anyway. They are financially much better off than I am.

I lost my wife a year ago. I see everyone else having someone in their lives and I feel alone. There's just me and my dog now. The holidays hurt. What can I do? -- MISERABLE IN MASSACHUSETTS

 DEAR MISERABLE:

Look, I'm going to level with you.  When I solicit letters, I expect people to be fucking straight with me.  No bullshit-- tell your story, straight up, and we can talk, okay?  But I'm noticing some... let's call them "inconsistencies" in your little narrative.

First of all, you say that "Christmas is coming, and I dread it."  Really?  Dread?  That's kind of, I don't know... extreme?

Dread /dred/  verb  1.) anticipate with great apprehension or fear

People don't dread Christmas, Frankie Angel; they dread meeting their Sarah Lawrence-educated daughter's Jamaican boyfriend.  They dread being in the Avis parking lot and finding out they've been assigned a Chevy Aveo.  They dread having to spend Christmas dinner with your decrepit fucking jowly ass.  Oh, and you thought you were the only one put out by Christmas?  Think again, Mort.

Getting back to your pack of fucking lies of a letter-- you next go on to state in false sentence number 2 that "I have only my brother, his wife and their kids."  Yeah?  Then towards the end of the letter you say, "There's just me and my dog now."  WELL WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK WHEN I READ THAT, HUH?  I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA BE STRAIGHT WITH ME, YOU FUCK!  YOU LYING SACK OF DICK GREASE!  D'YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE FUCKIN' WITH?

I swear to Mary's fucking baby-- I will fucking gut you before you can even think to lawyer up, buddy boy, so let's cut the I-have-nobody-oh-yea-but-I-kinda-have-sex-with-my-dog bullshit and fly RIGHT!

By the way, I know you killed your wife, cocksucker.  It's written all over that pathetic excuse of an advice-seeking letter of yours, and I'm gonna see that the state lights you up like a goddamn Christmas tree in front of a bunch of reporters with hemorrhoids and pocket dictionaries who don't give a shit about you, your Social Security checks or your goddamn holiday cry-me-a-river pissant little story, so sign that confession or I will shove this Kobayashi coffee cup up your leathery fuckin' cornhole and I won't even bother to leave it out of the report.

DEAR CHIP: 

I recently went on a first (and last) date with a "gentleman." He ordered himself a beer and a prime rib dinner. He never asked me if I wanted anything to eat or drink.


As flabbergasted as I was, I have a theory: Men today are different from those of the past, and my guess it's because the pierced and tattooed gals today speak and act like sailors, therefore ruining it for the rest of us. Am I right? -- PUZZLED IN FLORIDA


DEAR PUZZLED:

YES!  YOU ARE!  Now, you wanna bite of my prime rib, bitch?  I saved the best gristle for you.

DEAR CHIP: 

After 25 years of marriage, my wife no longer wants to shave her legs. She is starting to look like a gorilla. I think it's a slap in the face. She says it has nothing to do with me. I don't know if I should move to another zoo or buy her some bananas. -- PEEVED IN POUGHKEEPSIE


DEAR PEEVED:


Look, I'm gonna bust your wife for stopping to shave her legs, but I'm gonna NAIL you for pickin' your feet in Poughkeepsie.  


DEAR CHIP: 


Would it be a breach of etiquette to enclose a self-addressed, stamped (blank) thank-you note with gifts I plan to send to my grandchildren, since they do not respond when I mail them gifts or cards? 

-- GRANDMA IN MARSHFIELD, MO.

DEAR GRANDMA:


No, of course that's not a breach of etiquette.  It's rather an ingenious solution to the problem of today's kids (what'samatta with kids today anyway?!) and their wayward, ungrateful ways.  You must have worked in the non-profit world before you shriveled up into the wasted, withered, sour old burlap sack you are today, didn't you?  Where else but the wonderful world of non-profit entities would you have come up with such a great scheme?  I'll bet you were the End-of-Year-Appeal Grand Dame, no?  In fact, I think your little passive-aggressive idea is SO clever, that I don't particularly see why you should enclose a blank thank-you note-- why not just write it out for them?  That way, you can be assured that the note will sound all the proper notes in your own narcissistic gratitude song!  It'll be the clarion call of credit you are so selflessly seeking-- because of course, gift giving isn't about making others happy, it's about making YOU feel appreciated!  


RIGHT?!


Oh, and don't forget to address the letter to "Grandma(rtyr)" on the return envelope.  


DEAR CHIP: 


May I share a pet peeve of mine? I wish you'd raise the consciousness of people who write obituaries and fail to mention the musician who provides the music for the funerals and memorials. The musician often does more preparation for the services than the pallbearers. Why are their names omitted? I usually want to know who they are when I attend. -- WONDERING IN GEORGIA     


DEAR WONDERING:


May I share a pet peeve of mine?  People who go to funerals ostensibly to mourn the passing of the well-dressed crypt-keeper lying in a box in the front of the room and are more interested in which local prostitute is singing "Ave Maria" off-key so she can earn 20 bucks to go score some blow immediately after the service. 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

It Used to Be

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 31, Verses 6 & 7

"Hard liquor is for sick men at the brink of death, 
and wine for those in deep depression."

---

CHIPPED WISDOM:

It used to be, if you asked me why I believed in the death penalty, I could tell you.  And I would tell you.  I wouldn't just tell you about it, I'd write about it, too.  I wrote about it, a lot.  It's recorded.  It is on record.  

Now, it all seems like somebody else's thoughts and words.  And bile.  And animus.  And violence.  I'm in there, somewhere, of course.  I'm in there somewhere, floating around, circling the drain, watching for cues, thumbing my nose at the memory of myself.  Back then-- way back then.  

I don't believe in the death penalty anymore.  I've seen what it does-- I mean, I haven't seen somebody being put to death by the state-- but I've seen how it martyrs people, I've seen how it turns people's brains to yogurt.  If you read Monday's post, or the book I wrote when I was in college, well, you know what I'm talking about.

You know.

It used to be, if you asked me why I like to wear ties and what I call "Tier 1 pants" (trousers that could pass for suit pants, typically necessitating dry-cleaning that I wouldn't be caught dead spending money on) and dress shirts, I could tell you.  I'd prattle on about self-respect and dignity and how my grandfather was a haberdasher and all of that muck.  But, really, I don't know why.  I have a hundred ties.  Maybe two hundred.  There's around a dozen bowties.  And sometimes I look at them and I don't know what they're doing in my room.  Why do I wear ties and not bowling shirts, or flannel shirts?  Now, it's just what I do.  I wear ties to the beach.  

Gee, that's silly.

Used to be I could tell you why I liked sad folk songs-- I could tell you why if you asked me.  I'd talk about how they're moving and they're poignant and about how their stories of sorrow or loss or struggle speak to me, and about how they're more lasting than, I don't know-- than that other stuff.  Now, if you asked me why I cry when I hear Dar Williams's "When I Was a Boy", I'd probably just take a sip of coffee and change the subject; to the weather, or the bomb, or the gumbo.  Let's talk about something else, cuz my mom and I, we'd always talk, and I'd pick flowers everywhere that we'd walk.

But you knew that.

Used to be I knew why I wanted to be a cop.  I'd tell you a story about-- I don't know-- something, anything to explain it.  To make sense of the most irrational desire of my life.  I'd explain it away for you until it almost made sense, until it almost made your brow stop furrowing.  I'd talk until you left me the fuck alone about it.  I'd talk and talk and talk until I almost understood it myself.  I'd tell you that it started in high school, or college, or the months after college, after she'd broken up with me and after the book and after I waved to Charles after getting that stupid piece of paper wearing that oversized trash bag, but, a couple months ago I was looking at pictures that my father took of me back when I was nine or ten.  I'm dressed in dark pants, a dark blue polo shirt and a child's-sized police hat.  I have cheap metal cuffs and I'm doing various police poses-- talking on an imaginary radio, pointing off in the distance while squinting my eyes (probably at the direction a "suspect fled on foot"), even cuffing an imaginary suspect up against my father's white Oldsmobile Ciera.  There's a badge on my chest, with a piece of black mourning tape over its center.  

I don't know.  I really just don't know.

Used to be I could tell you why I don't drink.  Why I've never had a drink.  Why.  People think I'm in recovery, but I'm not even that advanced.  I'm so entrenched in my own bullshit I don't even have the slightest idea what I'd be in recovery from.  Maybe I don't drink because I'm frightened.  Maybe it's because I think alcohol is evil, that people who drink behave like idiots.  Maybe I don't think I need any help behaving like an idiot.  I've got that covered pretty much.  Maybe I don't want to be out of control.  Life's pretty out of control as it is.

Isn't it?

Used to be I could tell you anything-- even if you didn't ask.  Now, I don't know what to tell you.  I could have told you, once, very clearly in writing.  I was always afraid of speaking, because I never knew what was going to come out.  I'm still like that, but now it's metastasized to infect not only my speech but my writing.  I still don't know what I'm talking about.  Or why.  I don't know who I'm addressing, who is out there, why I'm writing or why you're reading.  But I suppose all I can say it that I like that you're here.  Here with me.  "Stay with me," I used to say to my mother so she wouldn't leave my bedside as I lay there, awash in anxiety and fear-- irrational and sane-- and she would stay.  She'd stay with me.  

And I always knew why. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Ambush

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 24, Verse 8

"To plan evil is as wrong as doing it."

---

CHIPPED WISDOM:


I can't prove it.  But, of course, I don't need to.

I know in my heart that it was a calculated, planned ambush.  An attack.  An assassination.  It was meant to send a message, as loud and as clear as the gunshots that rang out that night, searing across the bone cold December air.  As clear as the voices crackling through PPD radio.

"Sam 105 - policeman shot."

"601, notify them he's been shot in the face."

Of course, the first shot was to his back.  Just like in the 1970s.  Just like Piagentini and Jones.  Just like Foster and Laurie.  If you want a successful cop-killing: first you shoot them in the back.  

Mumia Abu-Jamal is a very intelligent man-- any of his supporters as well as his detractors will tell you that.  He learned many lessons well, and, as a Black Panther, he assuredly learned some lessons well from his Black Liberation Army predecessors about armed violence, about "offing pigs" as they called it.  




They don't teach much about this time period in most American history classes.  I guess there just isn't time.  Thanks, standardized testing.  

I don't buy, and I don't think you should either, that it was a mere coincidence that, at 3:51 in the morning on December 9th, 1981, Officer Daniel Faulkner stopped a Volkswagen Beetle driven by William Cook and that Cook's brother, Mumia Abu-Jamal just happened to be sitting across the street in a parking lot with a .38 Charter Arms revolver loaded with high velocity +P ammunition at the same exact time.  And I don't expect you to believe, and I certainly don't, that is was just a coincidence that Cook began to resist arrest and punched Faulkner in the face, initiating a confrontation that would lead to Jamal running across the street, shooting Faulkner in the back, Faulkner getting off one shot to Mumia's chest, and then Mumia finishing off Faulkner with a grisly shot to the face.  

I don't believe it was a coincidence.  And I don't expect you to either.

Then again, after all these years, I don't know what I expect of you, or of me.  I don't know what I expect of anybody.  I guess I should have expected a cadre of Mumia supporters standing outside City Hall today marking the anniversary of the slaying, but I almost didn't.  As I drove past City Hall, though, there they were, a rag-tag bunch, assembled, encouraging motorists through a bull-horn to "HONK FOR MUMIA".  And people did.  I rolled down my window and yelled something out to them that wasn't very nice.

Sometimes I'm not very nice.

They said they're "gonna free him brick by brick."  And I actually laughed at the wheel of my car.  No, you're not, I thought.  You're going to go home when your voices get hoarse and order pizza.  And that's fine, because the fact of the matter is nobody is freeing anybody, and William Cook drove his Volkswagen around the block the wrong way down Locust Street with his lights off several times before Faulkner initiated the traffic stop, and that to me says AMBUSH.  It says, come on, you fucking pig.  Let's dance in the mud together tonight.  Let's dance.  

They used to dance like that in the '70s.  They'd place phony 10-13 (Assist Patrolman) calls from pay phones to see which police officers responded to and from where.  They studied response times.  They timed traffic lights.  They staked out precinct houses.  They bombed a police funeral.  They machine-gunned officers inside their patrol cars.  They watched.  And they waited.  And they danced.  

Dance they did and, when the music stopped in Philly thirty-two years ago, a young police officer lay dead on the cold, hard pavement and three decades of insanity ensued.

So take down the bricks.  Go order pizza.  Dance the night away.  But don't forget one important thing, one very, very important thing: Daniel Faulkner was never going home that night at the end of his shift.  Because they had planned to do some evil.  And I can't prove it, but of course, I don't have to.  

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Ring-a-ding-ding

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 15, Verse 21

"If a man enjoys folly, something is wrong!
The sensible stay on the pathways of right."

CHIPPED WISDOM:

Can you hear me now?


Meet my new cellphone.  Say "hi," cellphone.  That's-a-boy.

So, I'm rebelling.  I was talking to an old friend who I hadn't seen in years and we were talking about youth and rebellion, and how youth rebel, you know, against their parents, their clergy, their trousers, their eyebrows, typically at around 15 or 16-- when things get hormonal and abnormal and rebellious and tempestuous.  

Horny.

We get horny for autonomy.  We want to speak and decide and drive and talk and stomp up to our rooms and write angry letters and get up all the bile and excoriate and expectorate.  That's what we want.

Anyway, we were talking about how we didn't rebel.  "I'll admit," she said as we all drove to a diner together, "I became a real-- well, I don't want to say it in front of your babies..."

"You became a real BEE-YATCH?" I suggested.

She smiled.  "Yeah, that."

But that's not rebellion.  And I became a bit of a bee-yatch, too, but I didn't rebel.  Not against my parents.  Why would I?  I had the perfect upbringing.  Sure, they may have minimized my need for psychiatric intervention in my teens, but what upper-middle-class Jewish parents in suburban Pennsylvania don't do that?

Right?

I am, however, rebelling now.  Against what, I don't know.  Technology?  Facebook?  Screen time?  Intrusion?  Obsession?  The disgusting forsaking of those I love for some endorphin kick that surges every time my phone makes a BLIP or a BLONG?  

I have an iPhone 4.  It's not the latest and greatest, and it certainly isn't GOLD YOU FUCKING MANIACS WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU but it's sleek and slim and it's fast and in my yellow and blue Otterbox it looks like I'm walking around with a little Ikea store on my hip and I'm always scrolling and strolling and streaming and screaming and flipping and blipping and maximizing and supersizing and I FUCKING HATE IT.

I hate me.

And, of course, I hate you, too.  Because you seduce me.  You take me away from my wife and my children.  Hell, you even take me away from me.  Not that I'm that great, but still.  Sometimes I want to just be.  With me.  With my disturbing and depraved thoughts, and some of the innocent ones, too.  I still have some of those sometimes.  I think.  I don't know.

I am obsessed with checking my work email on my phone.  I check it when I'm in the bathroom.  At work.  I'm away from my desk for two minutes and I check my work email on my phone.  That's disgusting.  That's diagnosable.  That's DSM-V.  That's not so good.  

And I've tried limiting myself.  I've tried.  I even deleted the Facebook App from my phone.  I'm tried self-governance, but I'm not a very good leader, even of myself.  So, I'm taking it a step further.

The Nokia 6061.

It has... a red light on the cover that flashes when you get a call.  I think it flashes when you get a text too.  It does text.  I will still be texting.  Just, you know, not as fast.  Or as lengthy.  And that's okay.  I'm kind of verbose, and that can be annoying in the textosphere.

I don't want to be annoying anymore.  

There's no camera.  There's no touchscreen.  Apparently, it's as big as a pack of gum.  Let me buy you a pack and I'll show you how to chew it.


It is capable of receiving email and browsing the Outernetz, but I won't be setting that up.  No, thank you.  I sit at a fucking computer all goddamn day long, from 6:15am-3:00ish.  And then I have this dumb desktop at home.  I'm good with that.  And, if I want to take pictures-- well, the Nokia 6061, um, it can't do that.  But I have a digital camera.  Isn't that what people used in 2006, when this phone was made?  The year I got married.  That was a good year.  I figure, if I can deal with driving a car from 2001, I can handle a phone from 2006.

Right?

I guess we'll see.

The CNET review says that it's a "good starter phone for technophobes or teens."  I thought that was funny, so I bought on on eBay for $20.97 (free shipping).  It should arrive tomorrow.  Oddly enough, I can't wait.  I'm so excited to bring it into the AT&T store with my old SIM card and show it to those assholes in there, and I can't WAIT to tell them to knock that fucking data plan off my bill.  I can maybe afford a $170-a-month cellphone bill for my wife and I, but I don't want to.  There's more important things in the world.  Like my children's faces.  Like my wife's jokes.  Like playing with the dog and reading and writing and pooping in the potty and seeing the firetrucks and seeing the stars and playing the banjo and it'll never be the same but it'll maybe even be better.  

Or worse.  I guess we'll see.

Either way, for now, I'm rebelling.  Can you hear my rebel yell now?  

Monday, December 2, 2013

She and I

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 15, Verse 20

"A rebellious son saddens his mother."

---

CHIPPED WISDOM:

We all stared at the cake.  Her grandson had just blown out the candles for her-- four year olds are so considerate that way, always looking to assist with life's more mundane chores-- and she had silently made her wish, which was more of a prayer, I expect.

No more dying, she probably said to herself, inside her 64-year-old head.  Not this year.  I know that's what she wished for because she's my mother, and she and I are one.  

"So, Ma," I said, "how many Teletubbies did you have to kill and grind up to make that icing?"  

She'd made her own birthday cake, the first birthday cake she'd made in years-- probably since I was a boy, and the icing was the color of Cindy Lauper's hair, circa 1986-1988 (the "True Colors" years).  I don't know quite why she chose that insane color for the icing, but it did match the plastic birthday table cloth, which matched the paper cups and plates, and streamers, and party horns and perhaps I just answered my own question.

My mother likes it when things match.  For years and years and years, in a spiral-bound notebook, on Sunday nights she would make a clothing chart for the week, coordinating blouses with pants, sandals-- everything, down to the earrings.  Or, I guess, up to the earrings.  And I get it: matching = order.  And she and I are one.     

I didn't get my mother anything for her birthday, and I didn't write her a card or a letter as I've done in years past.  I don't think she cares.  She doesn't care about things like that.  Neither does my father.  It might be the only thing they have in common-- except for their love for their children and their grandchildren.  Oh, and they like to go to the movies.  I think they even like going together.  

My son is head-over-heels crazypants in love with my mother, and I think that's pretty amazing.  I love watching it.  He gets delirious when he sees her-- sometimes he falls on the floor and makes the most insane, gleeful noises while his eyes sparkle.  It's like he's on baby PCP.  It's a hoot.  My mother's mother died six years before I was born, and I didn't meet my father's mother until I was fifteen-- and it was just that one time.  I wonder if I would have been obsessed with my grandmothers if I'd known them when I was two.  I don't know.  As it was, there was only room in my life for my mother.

So maybe it's just as well.  It would have been hard to compete.

When I was maybe thirteen or fourteen, I realized that my mother responded positively towards "bad" humor.  Not cruelness, necessarily, but being, well, bad.  Naughty.  Saying what shouldn't be said.  Making fun.  Scandal.  Adolescence is, of course, a time when a lot of boys seek out scandal and cruelty, badness and meanness, and it often comes out in the form of rebellion against one's parents, sometimes against the mother.  For me, that didn't happen.  I didn't rebel.  How could I?  Why would I?  I just used that urge and used it to feed my blossoming sense-of-humor, I infused naughtiness into my jokes and imitations and dinner table conversation and I watched with sparkling, PCP-glazed eyes as my mother laughed and, knowingly or not, encouraged me.  And that became my sense-of-humor.  

Being bad.  

It got laughs-- it got results, from the only audience member who mattered a damn.  She even laughed when I made fun of her stupid fucking Cindy Lauper cake.  Because, I guess, there's something in her that wants to be bad, too.  She's a librarian, perfectly nice and kind and helpful to every irascible prat and dusty old lady and obnoxious little kid who comes her way, and after work she's typically in the company of my nephew, so she has to behave even when she's off-the-clock.  But every now-and-then, over the phone or in a murmured remark in her ear as we're saying good-bye after a visit, I can still let an off-color remark fly and pull back just in time to see her weathered grin spread, or hear her shriek and laugh on the other end of the phone, just a mile or so away, and my anxieties will be quelled for another day as I am reassured that, in spite of how much the world and our world has changed, she and I, still, are one.   

Happy Birthday.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Deep Shit

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 18, Verse 4

"A wise man's words express deep streams of thought."

---

CHIPPED WISDOM:


Sometimes I wear silly socks because, sometimes, I wake up feeling silly.  There are pretty much two ways for men to go as far as socks are concerned: boring and outrageous.  There's very little in between, unless you consider argyle to be a sort of footwear middle ground.  I like argyle, but I still think argyle socks are boring, unless they're pink and green and yellow and then they're really just for Easter or the golf course. 

Or both.

I don't know when I started wearing silly socks.  I know I didn't wear them in high school-- I was way too insecure-- and it wasn't in college either.  In college, earth tones were my close friends, and I didn't deviate from the brown family too much when it came to clothes.  Or food, for that matter.  Have you ever noticed how comforting brown food is?  Look at your Thanksgiving spread tonight and count how many foods are brown.  You'll think to yourself, "Wow-- that guy's into some really deep shit!"

Or not.

I love to wear silly socks because, by and large, when you cross your legs and people see them, they smile.  I don't especially go out of my way to receive attention, in fact, I'd much prefer to hide under a blanket for the rest of my life, provided it was the right blanket and someone brought me a steady stream of brown food to keep me from expiring and losing weight I can't afford to part company with, but I do like it when people smile.  And when they laugh.  Silly socks aren't going to make anyone slap their knee or piss their pants, but a smile's good.  Smiles are good.  I like your smile.  You have a good smile.  Don't believe me?  Go run into the bathroom for a minute and check yourself out in the mirror.

I'll wait till you get back.

.............................................................................................

See?  I'm still here.

My wife's smile is the best.  Her eyes light up and the skin around them creases in all the right ways and she shows her beautiful teeth.  She has lots of different kinds of smiles.  I like the smiles she gives me when I'm being bad.  Deliberately bad.  Obscene or inflammatory, uncouth and ribald.  The smile that says, "I shouldn't be feeding into this behavior, but I can't help it."  

I love those smiles.  And I love to be bad.  Always have, at least, ever since I learned how to be bad.  I don't know where I learned it from.  Probably television.  Kids are always learning shit from television.  And Grand Theft Auto.

She claims that her smile is deformed-- from her brain surgery.  That happened almost ten years ago.  For a while, it was noticeable, one side turned down, but, if it's still that way and I don't think it is, I guess I just don't notice it anymore.  I don't see it.  Maybe because I don't want to see it, or perhaps because I'm not looking for it.  Why would I?  

If anyone's smile is deformed, it's mine.  I have a denticular disability-- I can't show my teeth when I smile.  Or, "won't" is probably more accurate.  My smile is thin-lipped and sad, slightly pained, thoughtful, wistful, almost coming out against itself, in spite of itself.  It's there, but it's rare.  There's a lot going on with it, and behind it.  But the smile is a good cover.  Just like my socks-- they hide feet that are flat as a desk top, nails that are thick, yellowed and cracked, and an odor that, as the day wears on is reminiscent of a hoagie left out in the Arizona sun for about a week.  Silly socks.  They're good to have around.  They're my smile.  And they're more for you than for me.  

Happy Thanksgiving.  I love you.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

It's Like This One Big AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 18, Verse 2

"A rebel doesn't care about the facts.
All he wants to do is yell."

---

CHIPPED WISDOM:

It's been a while since I last screamed my fucking head off at my father.  I don't remember what it was about, although I'm reasonably sure it had something to do with him interfering in some fight or other between my sister and I.  Me and my sister?  My sister and me?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I used to think I could teach English.  These days I'm lucky if I can speak it better than the average guy who cuts lawns around our neighborhood.  That was a racist thing to say.  I am a racist.  How do you do?  Nice to meet you.  I love you.

My father can really take a beating, that's why I abuse him.  And because we love each other and so I know it's okay.  It's okay to hurt people if you love them-- didn't you hear that song/watch that movie/see that play/take that psych course/eat that poisonous apple/drink that antifreeze/pick that pepper?  

Well.  Didn't you?

I don't scream much anymore, about anything really.  College was a great time for screaming.  I screamed at ex-girlfriends, at friends, on stage, in my car.  There's a lot to scream about when you're 18-22.  It's a good screaming age.  Many of the confederate troops belting out that REBEL YELL were probably in that age bracket.  Some younger.  And they died.  What a bunch of assholes.  

When you're thirty-three, what is there to run around screaming about?  The homeowner's insurance payment that's due in January?  Vacuuming Basset Hound hair off the rug for the third time this week?  The pile of papers on the desk that you're blithely ignoring while you're blogging?  The phone that doesn't ring because the only person who calls you is sitting five feet away from you sewing costumes for a play that neither of you are in?  

That's nothing to scream about.  It's nothing to write home about either.  Good thing I'm not writing home.  I'm just writing.  To you.  To your home.  I'm in your home.  What are you wearing?

See?  Not only am I a racist, I'm a creeper.  You under the covers now?

I still want to scream about things.  There's scream left in me.  Eye scream.  

HA!

But I don't know where the energy is to move it out.  Up and out.  Up and at 'em.  

MARCH.

It's like eating something bad and not having the careening bile to push it up your esophagus and out of your mouth.  Something's not there.  Something just broke.  There's something happening here.  

At the hospital, we get all freaked out when people scream.  We say we won't, that it's a healthy way to get angry, but we're lying, 'cuz we're staff.  It's a good way to get attention-- nobody gives a fuck about you if you're just doing your thing quietly.  But if you're screaming, we'll all come out in the hall and stand there waiting.  What are we waiting for?  You tell me.  But we'll stand around, acting faux-casual, like nothing's going on.  But something's going on.  Because you're screaming.  

That's how we know.

Screaming scares me.  It scares me when I do it and it scares me when I hear it and it really scares me when someone's doing it to me.  Screaming at me is not something I like.  I can look you in the eye while you're screaming at me and I can feel your spit on my face and your nose grease on my nose grease and I can look at you with dead eyes because hey if you hit me you hit me what the fuck can I do about it?  Look at me.  Gimp limbs and gawk-eyed hawk-eyed hook-nose dumbfounded and confounded and consarnitall sometimes it's better to just get it over with.  I have been screamed at and have not reacted but all the while I've been shitting in my pants.

Proverbially speaking, of course.  I like all my pants too much to really do it.  I also lack the initiative.  

I wanna feel hot again.  Hot enough to scream.  Passionate about something.  Furious, enraged, out of calmer more rational alternatives.  I want to roar and bellow and bellyache and go on a tirade and go on a tear and go on and on and on about something I just can't express any other way other than to rage in your face.  

Against the machine.

Against all odds.

Against my better judgement and my humble, servile nature.  

Obsequious.  Deferential.  Apologetic for my very existence.

I'M SORRY.

Something like that.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Widow's Laugh

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 15, Verse 25



"The Lord destroys the possessions of the proud but cares for widows."

---

CHIPPED WISDOM:

There's so many documentaries and specials and docudramas and God-knows-what-all-else is just coming out of the woodwork and out of the static and out of the screen such that it's searing into your eyes, seeping in through your fingertips and sliding into your veins.

After all, tomorrow's November 22nd.  

Where were YOU.

I don't know where the hell my parents were.  I haven't asked them, and I probably never will.  It's not that important, not to them, not to me.  There are dishes to do, you know.  She was fourteen, discovering life guards in Atlantic City.  He was fifteen, one year away from trudging through Israel's deserts with a rifle in his hands and a 60-pound pack on his back.  

God only knows.

There was a piece on the radio today about how the Boston Symphony got interrupted midway through with the announcement that Kennedy had died.  Some members wanted to not play the rest of the concert.  It was decided that they would, that they would help the audience heal through their music.  I wonder if it worked.

One of the stories I read today was about Dallas Police Officer J.D. Tippit's widow.  Her name is Marie.  She's still living, a great-grandmother at 85.  

"He was a Christian man," she said of her husband, whom Lee Harvey Oswald shot dead as he was being questioned on a street in Oak Cliff.  "He went to church with the family; we prayed together. He was a good police officer. He loved his children, and I always knew that I was loved."

She always knew that she was loved.  I guess, even if you do lose your husband on some Dallas street for damn near nothing in the blink of an eye, it doesn't get much better than always knowing you were loved.  

You have this idea about widows-- what they're supposed to look like and talk like.  How they're supposed to be thin-lipped and sullen, staring at the floor, or out the window-- right through you.  They look right through.  They may laugh at something, later-- later, you know.  But it's different.  It's the widow's laugh.  And it isn't phony or tinny or forced.  It's sincere as can be, but it's broken, somehow.  Like a Limoges saucer with a chip in it-- still pretty and functional, but it's not 100%. 

My sister's a widow.  She's still pretty, and functional.  But she's not 100%.  She's broken somehow.  She's always been touchy and emotional.  Dramatic.  And I want to be of use to her, not to do things for her or to clean up after her, but to make her laugh or let her know that she is loved, but I find that I'm inept, fumbling, bumbling, stumbling.  It doesn't work.  It's not clicking.  It's not happening.  Something's broken somehow, not just in her, but in us.

Her husband was appallingly ripped away from her, not by a gunman's gruesome bullet, but by ravenous, voracious cancer; unceasing and insane.  At the funeral, she stared right through everyone; it was terrifying and I knew something was over somehow.  Some part of us as a family was over.  Maybe it had ended years earlier and I was just too self-involved to notice.  I used to call my mother, absolutely panic-stricken about how "our family is falling apart!" but not that it's happened, there's no more fear or anxiety about it.  After all, fear and anxiety are all about anticipation.  That's the stuff that all comes before.  

This is after.   

Monday, November 18, 2013

Finding Center

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 15, Verse 28

"A good man thinks before he speaks;
the evil man pours out his evil words without a thought."

---

CHIPPED WISDOM:

The year was 1988, or '89 maybe.  I don't know.  Maybe it was '91.  It's hard to keep track when you get to be older, and you judge the passing of the years by what body-style Chevy Caprices the local police department was using (they'd just mustered in the first of the "upside-down bathtub" cruisers in 1991.  I remember seeing one parked on the street during my fifth grade graduation.  That's how I know I was in fifth grade, and that's how I know that I think I might have Asperger's, and a law enforcement fetish.

Anyway, my sister and I were fighting outside, as we often did.  I didn't mind making a spectacle of myself in those days the way I abhor public displays now.  I'm one of those rare actors who absolutely hates being the center of attention.  I have to be told, repeatedly, to stand center stage by the exhausted director.  For most performers, finding center comes naturally.

Right, so, back to the front yard of my parent's house.  I'm however old I am, and she's three years older, and we're fighting over Christ knows what.  Who got to sit in the front seat, who got to have a pony for Yom Ha'Guiliani-- whatever it was.  Kids get so worked up over dumb shit, have you ever noticed that?  One minute you're sitting there, eating your rice and beans and the next minute some kid is having an absolute shit over the fact that he didn't get his face painted by Nylon the Clown at the local Jiffy-Lube.  Kids.  You know I love 'em!  

And speaking of kids, I was a kid once.  There I was, on the front lawn like a jerk, yelling at my big sister.  Boy, did we have some hair in those days, let me tell you.  Hair to spare we did!  Boy, howdy, did we.  I looked like Moe from the 3 Stooges.  Yessiree, I rocked that Beatles-ass shit for near on thirteen years.  It was only at the old Bar Mitzvah did I think to part the shit-strands, and I guess nobody in my family dared suggest anything of the sort to me for fear I'd have a fucking aneurysm or something.  Kids.  You know they're always having fucking aneurysms or something!

So, back in time we go-- into the old DeLorean back to my parent's front lawn and I'm just going ape, like a tapir.  It's funny-- it's pronounced "tape-ier" but I don't know-- looks like there should be an extra letter in there.  What the hell do I know, though?  Not much about much, and I think that's probably pretty obvious to you.  Must be what keeps you coming back to this trough, you disgusting little pig, you!  You squealie little dealie!  Reading this makes you feel better about yourself!  I GET IT NOW!  SO I'M THE FAT GIRL YOU GO TO THE MALL WITH AND YOU DON'T MIND THAT I EAT RANCH DRESSING OUT OF THE BOTTLE WITH MY FIST BECAUSE NEXT TO ME YOU LOOK HOT!  

Meh. I'm okay with that.  An audience is an audience.

Now, my sister and I, we could really go at it.  I'm sure you've got stories about how you used to push your little brother's face into the gravel driveway until he had to have little pebbles and bits of glass surgically removed from his gum-line and that you once doused your cousin in propane and cause a five alarmer and got sentenced to juvie until you were 21 and then had your criminal record expunged so that you could get a job at that local middle school and have nobody be the wiser, and I think that's great.  Good for you, Stan!  We've all got stories.  Did you know that EVERYBODY'S GOT AT LEAST ONE NOVEL IN THEM?  Well, everybody's also got Gram-positive coccus-shaped bacterium in their mouth, too, but I wouldn't go around bragging about that to Terry Gross now would you, FISH-FUCKER?!!!

So we're doing the old tit-for-tat thing there outside, and it's nice weather, see, and people are milling around, walking their dog or their streptococcus and everything is going fine.  Except these two kids are fighting.  And it doesn't take much to disrupt suburbia.  No.  It doesn't.  Did you know that I once called the cops on the guy who came to read our water meter?  They jumped on his ass, too.  Classic.

And the thing to remember about fighting is that, when you're all sweated up and getting into it, you're not really thinking about what you're saying.  Especially when you're seven.  Or eleven.  Or however the fuck old I was.  Come to think of it; you're never really thinking no matter how old you are, because people just don't think, do they?  No, we're not very good at that.  We're all kind of basically idiots when it comes to being smart, I do believe.  And that's okay, because there's one thing we human beings are really good at; and that's annoying the piss out of each other, and it's not so easy to do that if we're hemming and hawing over every little grammatical positioning of each little phrase we may come to utter, or not, because we're too goddamned busy thinking about it.  And, when push comes to shove, there's nothing in the world like telling your sister at the top of your lungs in the middle of a quite spring warmth of a gentle southeast Pennsylvania neighborhood to go dip her vagina in duck sauce.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Check Yourself

CHIPPED WISDOM:

Proverbs 11, Verse 9

"Evil words destroy, Godly skill rebuilds."

---

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Think there's no such thing as "evil words"?


Think again, sport.  

I bought my 2001 Volvo V-70XC station wagon on October 25th.  It's November 14th, and tonight marks the third time those fuckery little words showed up on my instrument cluster.  

ClusterFUCK!

FUCK!!!!

What the FUCK?!!!!!

Now, I don't want to panic or start obsessively rubbing gravel and bits of glass into my eyes and prostrating myself before the Swedish God of Oxygen Sensors, but I'm frightened, I'M VERY VERY FRIGHTENED!

As is the case with this blog entry, I don't know where this little vehicular tale is going to end.  When I purchased this car, it had just a hair under 90,000 miles on it, which is extraordinary for a vehicle that old.  On eBay, you see Volvos of this vintage for sale with two hundred thousand, two hundred fifty thousand, there's one or two with over three hundred thousand miles on the odometer.  So, I don't think it's entirely unreasonable that, when I purchased this car I had visions of us staying together for an appreciable length of time.  I envisioned my bony ass and my scoliosis-laden back pairing up with that sculpted, heated, sumptuously and cowliciously-appointed leather seat to be a supullent, sexcellent marriage.  

Now, I'm filled with doubt.  Gout.  It's spouting out of my grout.  And so I sit here and pout, and you know what about.

About evil words.  Those two orange, evil words.  

You don't typically think of orange as an evil color, a color of the devil.  Orange is the color of autumn, of clementines, of Fiskars pinking shears.  Sorry-- my wife sews.  Hey, and speaking of my wife: orange is her favorite color.

How the hell could orange be evil if my pretty buddy loves orange?  

And yet, there it is:

  
Again.  For the third time.  First time was $310.  The dealership I bought the car from paid for that repair.

Phew. 

Less than a week later, it was $435.  That was on me.

ZING!

Now?  Who knows?  It's an expensive Swedish car.  The possibilities are limitless.  Maybe it needs a new thrånkenheuser.  Or a rotating flaçsêknävs.  Could be it needs its skleàâng adjusted.  Your Ikea-hued guess is as good as mine.  I just don't want the car to turn all Christine on me.  Because, if that lovely hunk of sheet metal parked outside is indeed going to rob me blind and rape me bloody, if those evil, evil fuckety-fuck-fuck words are going to come back to haunt me every two or three weeks or so, it's going to be a painful ride for both of us.  

That's right: both of us.

    

Monday, November 11, 2013

I'm Trying to Look Like Slim

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 12, Verse 1

"To learn, you must want to be taught.
To refuse reproof is stupid."

---

CHIPPED WISDOM:

The psychiatrist likes to ask if I'm "cured yet".

Maybe it was cute on the first follow up visit (it wasn't really) but it certainly wasn't on the third, and especially not after he kept me waiting for thirty-two minutes, only to see me for a grand total of three-and-a-half.  

"Well," I said, crossing my legs like a girl the way I do, "I think I'm cured in a manner of speaking."

"Yeah?" he said, staring confusedly at the keys on his flip phone, which I wanted to grab out of his hand and eat.

"It's cured me of a desire to talk about myself."

He furrowed his brow-- you know, wrinkled it up a little bit, put his phone down in his lap and he looked at me.

"Well, that's a little unusual," he said blandly before adding, for good measure, "Maybe you're incurable." 

Cute, isn't he?

---

It is, I have to admit, getting to be a little much.  I mean, I go to therapy once every other week-- every week, if I'm feeling someone shy of thrifty, I see a psychiatrist-- what is it-- every two weeks to talk about pills that do nothing for me-- and I blog about myself twice a week.  That's enough to make anyone who isn't a complete, bow-wrapped narcissist throw the hell up.  So I'm giving serious consideration to bagging the whole enterprise: therapy, psych, the meds, all of it.  Who was I before?  A skinny, sour little bastard.  Who am I now?  Well, I think you can see where this is going.  Since, however, I am getting awfully sick of talking about myself but still, apparently, like to write, I suppose I ought to spend tonight talking about somebody who isn't me, myself, or I.  

But, who?  Who's the lucky little fuckeroo?

It's Veterans' Day, so I thought maybe I'd talk about my father.  He's a veteran, after all.  Of the Six Day War and the Yom Kippur War.  You know, not an American veteran.  He's American now, but he wasn't then.  So I don't know that he counts.  I don't know what he thinks about on Veterans' Day.  I don't know if it means anything to him.  Probably not, since other "days" that are applicable to him: his birthday and Father's Day, for example, he eschews with a certain vile, vulgar verbosity.

"FACK DAT SHIT!" he screams, twisting his face in disgust, "BUNCHA FACKIN' RETARD DAY, PLEASE!  LIKE I NEED SOME FACKIN' ASSHOLE TO TELL ME TO FEEL SPECIAL?!  GIVE ME A BREAK ALREADY!"

And you're standing there holding a card or a present or something and then he kisses you tenderly on the cheek.

"I love you, Mummy.  Thees ees bee-yoo-teeful."

I'm not really related to many other veterans, I don't think.  My mother's father was in the Navy, as were his brothers.  I'm not sure they saw much combat.  My great uncle Morris was, though, shot in the stomach in South Philly by some asshole who was trying to rob his fruit stand.  Legend has it that Morris collapsed on top of the guy and wouldn't get up until the police got there.  

That's what my people do: we scream obscenities, then kiss you, or we lie on top of people and bleed.

---

I don't think I'd do too well in the armed forces.  Fortunately, I don't think it'll ever come up.  Between the asthma, flat feet, scoliosis, mental health "problems" and the projectile bed-wetting I think I'm pretty much off Uncle Sam's dance card, but, if it did, I think there'd be some problems.  I don't mean necessarily with cowardice.  There have been plenty of situations that occurred at the hospital that required me to summon up some courage and risk getting seriously assaulted by some psychotic guy (or gal) who was much bigger, stronger, and hyped up than I, not to mention someone who didn't have to play by crisis intervention rules, and somehow I did it.  So I don't think that would be the main problem, I think the main problem would be that I wouldn't know where to shoot.  

See, I know what you're supposed to do in the army.  You're supposed to be there, standing there, holding that M-4, or RPG or whatever the fuck it is, all square-jawed, trying to look like Slim, and I don't think I'd be able to pull it off.  I'd probably kill someone I'm not supposed to.  I'm not a real visual learner-- and I hear in the military they use a lot of maps and pictures and visuals and shit like that.  But see, I'm not a very spatial learner either.  And forget kinesthetic.  My body's about as useful as a eighty-seven-year-old paperclip that's been left out in the rain.  And auditory?  When people talk to me I tune them out almost instantaneously.  I asked a coworker a question today.

"Didn't we talk about this, like, on Friday?" she asked.

"Yes," I answered, "but I wasn't listening."

"I'm gonna kick your fucking ass," she said.  Then she repeated what she told me.

"Okay," I said, "got it."  Then I stood up, walked four steps towards the door and forgot most of what she'd just said.  She was talking about 50/50 raffles.  I could care less about 50/50 raffles.  I won one once.  I bought tickets, but I didn't know what I was buying them for.  Then someone gave me $96 a couple hours later.  It was the greatest fully clothed moment of my life.  

---

He wanted to up my dose, or change to something "a little more potent."

"No, I don't think so," I said, staring at the ten year old phone he was playing with, "let's just stick with this and see what happens."

"Hm," he said, pushing buttons, "most people aren't that patient."

"I'm not patient," I said, "I just don't care."