Proverbs 30, Verse 20
"There is another thing too: how a prostitute can sin and then say, 'What's wrong with that?'"
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CHIPPED WISDOM:
When I was a budding adolescent, there was a wonderful VHS tape that I was rather smitten with. It was called "COPS: Too Hot for TV". I ordered this through the mail. My parents didn't know. Parents don't need to know everything.
Right?
Of course right.
"COPS: Too Hot for TV" wasn't exactly like what it sounds. There was mostly just a lot of obscenity, you know, that is omnipresent on regular "COPS" broadcasts, and is just bleeped out by the very busy censors who censor these types of things and are probably chronic masturbators who drive Philips head screws through their penis heads while strangling themselves with white tube socks, lying underneath the boardwalk drunk on paint-thinner and wearing underwear made of old Time magazines.
Anyway, what I mostly found enjoyable were the bloopers-- yes, COPS has bloopers. There's the veteran officer who gets out of his car to initiate a traffic stop and, the second he is about to walk up to the suspect vehicle, an old Cadillac with tail-fins, it backfires loudly causing the officer to scream "HO--LEEEE SHIT!" and then crack up once he realizes he's not about to be killed.
There's a very old, short clip of two detectives barreling down a city street in an unmarked car and they can't get the blue flashing light on the dashboard to work, and then the siren won't turn on, so the inventive detective riding shotgun grabs the radio mic, turns it to speaker function and yells "EEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR-EEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!" doing a great impersonation of a siren while his partner cracks up and says, "Unbelievable", shaking his head.
Once I became an EMT and one shift happened to be piloting an ambulance that had a siren that sounded like the noises an elderly basset hound being raped by a cow might make, my mind traveled fondly to that clip from "COPS: Too Hot for TV" and I smiled and said, "Unbelievable" to my partner.
I guess lots of people bought the VHS for the same reason I initially did: they were sure it was gonna have boobies. And don't get me wrong-- it did. There were boobies. Like the oddly triangular, tattooed (blue flames) boobies the toothless crack fiend displayed while impulsively taking off her shirt for two stoic officers who accused her of hiding drugs somewhere on her person. During the unceremonious striptease, she muttered something absolutely incomprehensible-- even after multiple viewings, I still have no idea. Teeth are really good to have if you want to be understood in this world. I have a dentist appointment on August the 27th at 4.
There are better looking boobies in this VHS. The ones that really stand out belonged to a young prostitute who was caught in a police sting operation in Las Vegas. The undercover officer was Middle Eastern, and he was playing a wealthy tourist from some Arab country or other, white dress shirt, necktie and headscarf. Mustache. Classic. The prostitute's face was obscured, but you could tell she was no toothless crack fiend. She was probably a Lady of the Pills. You know, classy. She had very tiny nipples, I remember that. Thinking, God-- they're so tiny. Like little M&Ms. Of course, back in the days when I was watching this, I had never seen a woman's nipples in the flesh
PUN INTENDED
and so what the fuck did I know about nipples? I knew a hell of a lot more about M&Ms. And Doritos.
Every time I watched that tape, and, yeah, I watched it, um, a few times, I got sad when they arrested her. Not because I didn't get to see her do terrible things on that polyester hotel bedspread, but because she had M&M nipples.
They say you can tell a lot about a society by the people whom it imprisons. If that is true, then America is racist, sexist, idiotic, paranoid, uninformed, irrational, and it is also just, moral, unflinching, righteous and thoroughly insane.
FREE THE M&M NIPPLE'D ONES! MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!
Prostitution's a funny thing. You pay someone and they have sex with you and then it's over. Is that wrong? I don't know. I suppose it's wrong if you're in a committed relationship with someone and you do it, or if you're married, or if you don't use a condom, or if you get/give an STD, or if you knock the prostitute up, or if the woman is forced into the profession against her will, or if she's a minor, or if you inflict physical harm on her, of if she's mentally ill, or if she's supporting a drug habit, or if you're doing it near a school and some impressionable minor sees it and gets irreparably damaged for life because of that unfortunate visual, but, barring any or all of those aforementioned qualifiers-- is it wrong?
I don't know.
People say pornography and prostitution objectifies women, and I'm not so sure that's true, anymore than slapstick objectifies Moe, Larry and Curly. It's a service they're getting paid to perform, and you get something out of it. If anything, it's mutual exploitation. I don't know if I was objectifying anyone by buying "COPS: Too Hot for TV" back in the day. It's not something I'm particularly proud of-- I'd much rather brag about how I watched the 1939 film adaptation of "Wuthering Heights" with Laurence Olivier when I was eight (I didn't)-- but we've only got what we've got in this world. Our stories. Our M&Ms. Our bits and our bobs. Our thoughts and our feelings.
Unsupported, unsubstantiated, undercooked.
Understood.
Right?
Of course right.
"COPS: Too Hot for TV" wasn't exactly like what it sounds. There was mostly just a lot of obscenity, you know, that is omnipresent on regular "COPS" broadcasts, and is just bleeped out by the very busy censors who censor these types of things and are probably chronic masturbators who drive Philips head screws through their penis heads while strangling themselves with white tube socks, lying underneath the boardwalk drunk on paint-thinner and wearing underwear made of old Time magazines.
Anyway, what I mostly found enjoyable were the bloopers-- yes, COPS has bloopers. There's the veteran officer who gets out of his car to initiate a traffic stop and, the second he is about to walk up to the suspect vehicle, an old Cadillac with tail-fins, it backfires loudly causing the officer to scream "HO--LEEEE SHIT!" and then crack up once he realizes he's not about to be killed.
There's a very old, short clip of two detectives barreling down a city street in an unmarked car and they can't get the blue flashing light on the dashboard to work, and then the siren won't turn on, so the inventive detective riding shotgun grabs the radio mic, turns it to speaker function and yells "EEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR-EEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!" doing a great impersonation of a siren while his partner cracks up and says, "Unbelievable", shaking his head.
Once I became an EMT and one shift happened to be piloting an ambulance that had a siren that sounded like the noises an elderly basset hound being raped by a cow might make, my mind traveled fondly to that clip from "COPS: Too Hot for TV" and I smiled and said, "Unbelievable" to my partner.
I guess lots of people bought the VHS for the same reason I initially did: they were sure it was gonna have boobies. And don't get me wrong-- it did. There were boobies. Like the oddly triangular, tattooed (blue flames) boobies the toothless crack fiend displayed while impulsively taking off her shirt for two stoic officers who accused her of hiding drugs somewhere on her person. During the unceremonious striptease, she muttered something absolutely incomprehensible-- even after multiple viewings, I still have no idea. Teeth are really good to have if you want to be understood in this world. I have a dentist appointment on August the 27th at 4.
There are better looking boobies in this VHS. The ones that really stand out belonged to a young prostitute who was caught in a police sting operation in Las Vegas. The undercover officer was Middle Eastern, and he was playing a wealthy tourist from some Arab country or other, white dress shirt, necktie and headscarf. Mustache. Classic. The prostitute's face was obscured, but you could tell she was no toothless crack fiend. She was probably a Lady of the Pills. You know, classy. She had very tiny nipples, I remember that. Thinking, God-- they're so tiny. Like little M&Ms. Of course, back in the days when I was watching this, I had never seen a woman's nipples in the flesh
PUN INTENDED
and so what the fuck did I know about nipples? I knew a hell of a lot more about M&Ms. And Doritos.
Every time I watched that tape, and, yeah, I watched it, um, a few times, I got sad when they arrested her. Not because I didn't get to see her do terrible things on that polyester hotel bedspread, but because she had M&M nipples.
They say you can tell a lot about a society by the people whom it imprisons. If that is true, then America is racist, sexist, idiotic, paranoid, uninformed, irrational, and it is also just, moral, unflinching, righteous and thoroughly insane.
FREE THE M&M NIPPLE'D ONES! MR. GORBACHEV, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!
Prostitution's a funny thing. You pay someone and they have sex with you and then it's over. Is that wrong? I don't know. I suppose it's wrong if you're in a committed relationship with someone and you do it, or if you're married, or if you don't use a condom, or if you get/give an STD, or if you knock the prostitute up, or if the woman is forced into the profession against her will, or if she's a minor, or if you inflict physical harm on her, of if she's mentally ill, or if she's supporting a drug habit, or if you're doing it near a school and some impressionable minor sees it and gets irreparably damaged for life because of that unfortunate visual, but, barring any or all of those aforementioned qualifiers-- is it wrong?
I don't know.
People say pornography and prostitution objectifies women, and I'm not so sure that's true, anymore than slapstick objectifies Moe, Larry and Curly. It's a service they're getting paid to perform, and you get something out of it. If anything, it's mutual exploitation. I don't know if I was objectifying anyone by buying "COPS: Too Hot for TV" back in the day. It's not something I'm particularly proud of-- I'd much rather brag about how I watched the 1939 film adaptation of "Wuthering Heights" with Laurence Olivier when I was eight (I didn't)-- but we've only got what we've got in this world. Our stories. Our M&Ms. Our bits and our bobs. Our thoughts and our feelings.
Unsupported, unsubstantiated, undercooked.
Understood.
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