Like It Be

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 24, Verse 26

"It is an honor to receive a frank reply."

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CHIPPED WISDOM:

I read somewhere recently that there is a difference between being honest and "telling it like it is."  You know what I'm talking about, probably-- those people you know who say cutting, cruel things and cut other people down only to say, "Hey, you know me-- I tell it like it is." 

DO YA?!!!

I'm not entirely sure if I tell it like it is, or if I'm honest, or if I'm an asshole.  Maybe it's all three, but I'm not sure that's possible.  I try to be a nice, good boy, and not hurt people's feelings if I can swing it.  The more I get to know you, though, the more another side of me comes out, where boundaries fade far off into oblivion, and I get crass-- though not careless.  My crassness is carefully calculated so as not to cause offense-- I feel like I have a pretty good meter of what's acceptable, and what certain people can take and what they can't, and I try to abide by that, because when there's someone out there who doesn't like me, I'll obsess over that until I dehydrate and fall down the stairs.  

I made a little enemy today when I stood up for myself, and my employer, at a meeting.  Funnily enough, I'm not terribly worried about it.  Maybe it's the medicine, or maybe it's because everyone else in the meeting thought she was behaving like a total ass, or maybe I just don't give a fuck anymore.  Maybe I'm getting comfortable enough in my role and in my shoes and my socks and my arm hair and my olive-hued skin to sprout a pube or two.  And maybe that's been a long time in coming.

Maybe.

I wonder sometimes if my new-ish boldness has anything to do with being bullied for my entire K-12 (okay, K-Kollege) experience.  It may very well be that I've said, internally, at some point, "okay-- enough is enough" and that I have managed to locate a little bit of courage deep down in the well somewhere.  I'm speaking my mind more, I'm saying how I feel, I'm trying.  And oftentimes it doesn't matter and it doesn't amount to much, but I suppose the outcome is pretty much irrelevant.  Because you have to say what you think in this life-- even if nobody listens and nobody cares, even if you're low man on the totem pole.  Even if you're half-buried beneath the fucking totem pole.  

Sometimes it's terrifying to think that all we are to other people are obstacles to them getting their way.  Sometimes, though, I'd proud if that's something that I can be.  If I can head off someone's stupid idea, or vainglorious pursuit, if I can be that thorn in their side-- if I can present a reality-check or an opposition when everyone else is complacent, that's a pretty good day for me.  Of course, tomorrow, someone else might have to step in and prick my bullshit balloon, and that's okay-- I certainly don't expel golden turdlettes every day-- that's really okay with me.  I don't mind if you go up against me in this world, because at least I know that you're alive. 

Let's fight about something important-- or something insipid.  I don't care.  Let's just fight.  You and me; me and you.

Let's be alive together.