Samples of Stupidity

CHIP OF WISDOM:

Proverbs 9; Verse 6

"Leave behind your foolishness and begin to live;

learn how to be wise."

---

CHIPPED WISDOM:

Dear God,

Are you fucking kidding me?  

I know all creatures are beautiful in your eyes, or equal, or something to that effect, but, really-- am I on the same playing field as the guy who created this ad?  I am composed of the same atoms and carbon-based material?  Did he eat graham crackers and water (milk is for goyim, even four-year-olds know that) in pre-school, just like I did?  Did he wear little Osh-Kosh overalls and did he cling and clutch to his mommy, well into his mid-twenties, like I did?  Does the bit of skin in between his eyebrows need regular maintenance in order to belie his Middle Eastern roots and keep him off the Homeland Security's terrorism watch list?  Is he blogging away the angst he should have outgrown over a decade-and-a-half ago while his children resist the seductive song of the sandman's sultry siren in the next room?  

Tell me, truly, ex-Special Agent Starling....

I realize, of course, that there is an air of superiority in the tone of this blog post.  I won't deny it, but I won't make it any more superior by saying "I shan't deny it," because, let's face it, that would be too much.  I suppose that feeling superior to anyone, (even if it's a guy chained to a musty desk in some dank basement creating ads for "natural ways to boost testosterone") must mean that my medication is working to some degree, which is good, because it's fucking expensive enough-- and that's with insurance.  

When I cried (almost literally) poor to my psychiatrist, he left the room-- I presumed, to return with a firearm to Old Yeller me up good-- but instead he came back with a cascading armful of Viibryd samples.  

"If my math is right," he said, and I prayed that it was, because mine never is unless it involved Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and the answer is always "6"), "this will set you straight for about ten weeks.  Just come back when you run out-- you don't even have to see me."

"Is this guy legal?" I thought to myself, albeit fleetingly, as I hungrily grabbed all the samples from him, dropping one on the floor.

I asked him if this was an ethical thing to do.  He looked at me.  I tried to dance around the fact that I'm white and employed, unlike many of the people I have often observed in his West Philly waiting room.  He smiled at me.

"That's cute, but you're not depriving these people of anything.  I have enough samples of this to keep you good for at least a few years and, let's face it, the shitty medical assistance that most of these people get gives them better prescription coverage than you have.  Sick, right?"

It was, I had to agree.

There's a lot of things in this world that are wrong and silly, sick or bizarre.  I don't need to tell you that.  You're in the shit, you live it.  You have eyes, you eat Reeses Peanut Butter Cups.  You know.  You're like me, and you're like that guy who designed the stupid testosterone ad with the hot blonde chick in the babydoll dress and she wears the boots and everything is going fine and the Basset is whining and the babies are still chirping and Pandora doesn't give a shit that I don't want to hear that Bach right now but like my mother says "everything will turn out okay in the end.  

And we all know what that means. 

It's all good, though-- just try this weird trick and take your performance to the next level.